170321 – Mon ange.

So much to say that I’ve been sitting here for an hour just staring at the computer. So many thoughts. And now I found myself in a quarrel with a rich asshole on fb who refused to see why I just couldn’t move “out into the country” and get away from the no-go zone. Only priviliged assholes can reason like that. Why? Because I’m trapped by debt that my abusive ex gave me so I live on a minimi income? Cause I just got a job after being unemployed for four years and about a month away from living on the street? Cause everyone doesn’t have the means that everyone on this fucking planet seem to assume you have? But I just stepped away, I can’t be arsed. And another one to take away from my fb-friends, I really don’t need the hassle or the stresslevels of trying to reason with spoiled assholes who have no idea what reality looks like for other people.

Despite this small hickup though, it has been a good day. Yesterday when I got home, I fell into some horrid politics that got my heartrate up to max again, got scared, paranoid, afraid for the future, and I went to bed. When I was about to fall asleep, my neighbours upstairs started building a fucking chair or house or bookshelf or whatever ever. I got so fucking pissed off. I was already upset as fuck due to what I had been reading and hearing on the web, and this just tipped the scales. First I screamed myself hoarse, and started sobbing, and then, when my heartrate was still in explode-me mode, I called sweetheart. He talked to me for a while, but I just cried and cried. And I miss him so much, and I don’t want to be here, and all that stuff just came up, and it was horrible. Then he just calmly said how much he loved me, and that he prayed that God would give me strength and patience.

The effect was basically that of a kitten being picked up by the neck by its mother. You know, when they get all limp. My heartrate slowed down immediately, I didn’t hear the noise anymore, I felt calm and cool and I fell asleep right there and then. Just like that.

This is the second time this has happened, that he has calmed me down in that way just by mentioning that he prayed for something for me. Just snap.

Today, when I woke up (and called him to tell him I was fine, he had hoped I had fallen asleep and not died, but he didn’t want to call and wake me up incase I had fallen asleep lol)
He told me to seriously stay away from politics. For real. He had been up worrying about me and  he was really upset that I was reacting this way and that he was powerless to do anything about it, or to make it better, because the fear was anywhere for me to get into, and he couldn’t be there to talk me down all the time.

So I went on my computer and went to the sites, and the podcasts that I was subscribed to and unsubbed. Kind of a big thing, cause some of them I’ve been following every day for like five years, they’ve become more or less friends. You know, to have and hear in the background when you cook, when you do things…when you play games. But I have closed down all the accounts now. So I’m getting rid of it all.

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Today, I found some other outlets that will replace them. Michael Tsarions new podcast for one, and other things that build you up and make you strong psychologically instead of constantly tearing you down. At the moment I’m listening to Anthony Patch discussing weird conspiracy theories about CERN. It’s so much better. Seriously. Also getting serious questionmarks about God, whoever he is. I mean I don’t even know what I believe in. I consider Jesus a pal, that came and chased away demons when I was a teen dabbling in black magick, I thought God was Obi-Wan Kenobi etc. I don’t even know what I believe. I’m practicing magicks. I’m a wiccan with strong leanings towards western ritual magick. I…

On the other hand, I’m fascinated by Judaism. My first trip to the Isle of Patmos gave me feelings I can’t explain, and ever since then the book of Revelation and St John have been very alive for me. I like the service in the catholic church, cause it’s beautiful with the hymns and all. So I don’t know. I guess I’m on a mission of finding out.

Sweetheart said “why do you have to choose, just mash them all up and make your own thing up from it” – and frankly, he has a point. That’s how I’ve always worked, intuition, what feels right, what do I believe etc.

At least I know I will set up my altar at home again. Maybe today. Cause I have so many more positive vibes today than yesterday, and I have actually taken practical steps to move towards something better, so I’m hopeful. More on religion some other day. Enough ranting for now.

This weeks horoscope from chaninicolas.com – a site I just got a tip about five minutes ago.

Scorpio & Scorpio Rising

Revolutions have many tipping points. Many acts of rebellion. Many ways of manifesting. This week speaks to the importance of pushing back and bucking some system that you serve. It speaks to taking the initiative to think for yourself and be bold in your assessments of what you are intuiting. It asks you to know that when you witness something that needs to be changed, it doesn’t always mean that others will. They may not yet understand, recognize or know the importance of what you are presenting. You might need to be bold in your communication of your vision so that they can get the picture.

We all take turns rocking the boat. This week it’s your ideas that want to make waves.

Use the potential chaos of this astrology to get clear on your relationship to the roles that you inhabit at work. Use your work roles to try out an unconventional way of doing things. Use any pushback you get as an important part of the development of your projects. It’s always good to know what folks are resistant to so that we can lead with something sweeter before we get to what is important.

Gather all the courage that you can muster to make your case with the colleagues that are open to hearing your ideas and that have the foresight to see the potential of your creative inspirations.

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