170313 – S3J1 – Every Monday’s getting more bleak…

 

Right, it’s Monday again. One of my coworkers have been blabbing my ears off all evening til this point so I haven’t managed to do any important work whatsoever. I feel I need to get alot of things out, about nightmares and clenching your jaws so tightly all night that you wake up with an immense pain in your ears that makes you have to go to the emergency room, about triathlon bikes being extremely scary and non stable, about huge arenas being filled by someone that could never dream of filling such an arena just six months ago, about champagne and the swedish outtakes to the eurovision, about love, about life, about fear and about the constant fight to better myself.

About how much I have become spiritual again. How there’s this brilliant almost invisible thread going through my spiritual experience from my awakening in 1992 – through a very dormant period where I have been overwhelmed by the tragedies and heartaches of this every day existance, – to now where I am picking up the threads again and feel that I still yearn for something. I don’t know how to articulate it. But I am a witness of something, somehow, and I am torn between so many religious and mystical systems and apocalyptic visions and political mazes, but I know that there is something I have to make sense of. My compass in all this is just what is right and wrong, and where I feel safe and unsafe. What I can stand up for and stare in the eyes, and what I don’t feel comfortable with. It is a journey.

I still love. I still live and burn and I am aiming higher all the time. I am slowly getting better at….well, at life. My confidence, my strength, both inner and outer, my discipline, my temper, my knowledge, my everything. Keeps getting better. I am not static. I constantly have plans, and for the first time I am slowly implementing them, they are not just fantasies or visions. I have understood my limits, and I am resigning to them and doing things in the way, the time, the manner I have the capacity to do.

I have so much I need to get out, but at the same time it’s been so much, so many disastrous hurricanes of emotions that I haven’t been able to put it all into words. Last week was a bad week. There was a lot of angst, a lot of paranoia, no time for any calm or reason really, the only thing that kept me standing I think was the guy at work I smoked with every couple of hours. He’s calm. He’s steady. He can ground me very well. But once out of his sphere, going home, I just fell apart.

I slept a lot last week. I think it was the only way I could run from my emotions. I had a lot of nightmares. This weekend, my sweet has talked to me a lot, and we have talked everything out and he made everything better, as usual, but it’s hard not having him around when shit hits the fan. On the other hand, I need to learn to control these emotions on my own, and not have to have him around all the time, he has a life and a job, and he can’t be my fucking nanny. However, I am on my way. We just need to communicate. Or rather, I do. He’s very good at communicating. I’m the one who devolves and devalues my feelings and problems and decide that they aren’t important enough to bother him with. He finds that very frustrating. He explained he wants to hear everything, every doubt, everything that impacts me. I will get better at doing this too.

After work today, I will have some grilled salmon with aioli and fries, a little world of warcraft, and a long conversation with honey. It will be good. ❤

 

 

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