170122 – Anger and jealousy

(googled why does text disappear when I type word press titles)

FUCK, I’m all empty of nicotine. My sweetie has coached me and we’ve had such a good loving calm weekend (although very busy, but like,  emotionally very good and loving, which is the important thing, at least for me) that I managed to get off the patch even. Been without nicotine for 24 hours now, and finally had a fucking outburst about two hours ago.

About jealousy! While in my honeys arms. It just goes to show what the brain is programmed to do in order to get its poison, seriously. If I had had a smoker around now, or if anyone had passed me by with a cigarette, I would definately have begged for one, and I would have calmed down instantly. But no. And I really want to see if I can do this too. And my poor honey is so supportive. Despite me suddenly screaming about whether he has been cheating (??!)

Of course, that is a deep seated paranoia of mine. Being betrayed too many times by too many people has fucked up my trustlevels with everyone, even with the ones closest to me, so of course that is one of the taboo subjects for me. I know that he’s not. But I know that that is the only thing that could break me, so I am very fearful of it, subconsciously, since everyone I’ve ever trusted have. And well, of course that surfaced today.

Also, the being kicked out of the sjw-supertolerant-superopenminded-guild because of being “racist” also surfaced today. Although I have worked through that, and realized that they are as fascist as anyone can get, that THEY are the racist ones, the intolerant ones, the fucking fascist, judgemental, controlling, violent ones, and I KNOW THIS…

But now, with the nicotine gone, my brain decided to drag that up again and I was actually in fucking tears. I am a very very emotional person. Withdrawal is not a fucking game for me, cigaretts replaces some of the boundries for me that normal people seem to have naturally, they work as valium to calm me down, as a reality check to get things in proportion and not react too excessively to things that don’t deserve it, and as just, a time for me to reflect I guess, think things through before initiating anything.

It’s hard man. We’re going to bed soon, and that will be good. We’ve had a fucking beautiful and superfun weekend. Addiction really is strange though. 🙂

 

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