170621 – Summer Solstice – 172

Well here we are, the first half of the year is gone. It is midsummer in a day, and I am on the nightshift.
This spring has been hard on me in some ways, and good on me in others. The bad part, mainly, has been the lack of sleep due to the reparations being done to other apartments in my house. It has been impossible to feel sane with the lack of sleep I have had. When I have been home, I’ve been getting about half as much sleep as I need.

Lack of sleep doesn’t just affect my mental health and my mood, but also my legs. I need to sleep for about 7 hours straight to feel good in body and spirit, and I have had desperately few days of that this spring. It started in March, and it is continuing. I’ve contacted the organization for tenants, and the case is pending.

It wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t work nights so much, but I do, and I feel I have rights to live too. I pay enough rent to. LOL.

The only times I’ve gotten good sleep is when I’ve been away, with honey. In other cities, away from here, and that has been during weekends and time off. Fuck, Eurovision in Kiev was less noisy than it is in my fucking apartment lol.

I have gone away from politics. And I am much better for it. I still see some of it in my social media, but I stop following as they come up. And I feel so much better. I am focusing on love, light, magick, faith, history, mysteries, things that make me happy, things that make me smart. Politics is a corrupt horrible system, propped up by corrupt horrible people, where noone ever means what they say, and liars are praised and awarded power. How can anything good ever come out of something like that.

Leaving that illusion behind now, and moving forward again. Sweetheart will be celebrating midsummers here, and two other friends will fly in too, it will be a magickal four days. ย There will be a lot of walks. Which is good I suppose ๐Ÿ™‚
I should write more frequently again from today, I am looking forward to the rest of this year. ๐Ÿ™‚

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170601 – 152 – Lilies

 

It’s pretty nice to come home from an afternoon shift, in the cold and rainy grey town, open the door to your apartment, and be knocked out by the scent of lilies that have unfolded throughout every room. It makes you calm and happy and warm instantly.

This is the first of June. Three months of summer lies ahead. It’s finally warm enough to not wear socks, and I am quite happily wearing sandals from now on. I fucking hate imprisoning my feet. Also, dresses. Skirts. Fun tops. Yey.

Made a delicious carbonara last night when I got home, and I actually long to get home to it. I didn’t bring any food to work (cause I’m a moron) cause I thought it’s just nine hours, and I thought they might serve up something edible in the restaurant if I got hungry. Not today. ๐Ÿ˜›

About to write a letter to my mother since I missed Mothers day last sunday. I did call her though, but she likes to get postcards and letters, so I will get her one.

I have quit World of Warcraft. For my own sanity’s sake. I still love the game, I love the lore, I love everything about it, and it has been a lifesaver for ten years for me, but lately, it’s taking time from things I need more, like magick, developing myself, spirituality and excersise, so I had to give it up. It was always gnawing in the back of my head, you know, “I really need to do this, I should do that” etc, I mean, all the daily quests, the crafting, it’s all brilliant if you are unemployed or need an activity because you have too much time on your hands, but it is not good for me, not at this time in my life.

I have picked up the Elder Scrolls again. No pressure in that game. I both kicked up Oblivion from the past and Elder Scrolls Online, and I play for an hour or two when I have done everything else and have a few hours to kick back. It feels healthier. I play solo, I am in no guilds, and I just explore and take it very slowly. I HAD to reinstall Oblivion after seeing what they had done to Cyrodiil in ESO, it was so fucking tragic. I needed my pristine Imperial City. ๐Ÿ™‚

Not much have happened the past time, while I have not been writing. Life has pretty much been shit. My legs look mutated as usual, I’ve been caught lying at work because I couldn’t get out of bed because of a depression hit, and we have a new boss again. I do enjoy my colleagues at work though, it’s usually a nice place to be.

On the homefront, I try to focus on the positive, which there is a lot of if you only see it. I have dismissed all the politics by this time, gradually tuned it out from all my channels of information, I might listen to something for two hours a week if something special happens. It only wore me down anyway, so I don’t have a place for it. I am much less depressed, I sleep better, and I have more energy and a more positive outlook as a consequence, so I needed to do that.

Looking at trips to book this fall for creativity, there are so many nice places to go. This summer will be a case of travelling during weekends due to festival schedules.

And it’s friday tomorrow. ๐Ÿ™‚

 

170421 – YEY it’s TERRORIST FRIDAY again

Paris this time. The only thing I will say is that the assholes who calls for us to love and hug the terrorists and open the borders are just as fucking guilty, and we will remember you.

I will however not let my weekend be destroyed, because this happens all the time in Europe now, and to remain strong and wise and be one of the few who sees the fuck through this evil islamist agenda, I need my strength.

Currently watching horrid white trash degenerates on youtube who use their kids and abuse them for views. Link below. They are getting theirs.

I started this week walking 250 steps an hour. I’m up to 900 steps an hour now. And it’s going great. I am clean, took a shower and washed my hair and oiled myself up in argan oil (moroccan, magick stuff), so I feel and smell fresh, clean and pretty fucking wonderful. Workcrush was here, which is always great. Night is going smoother than the previous ones this week. Then after work, to the airport and straight off to babe. I can not fucking wait, I miss him so much I am about to fucking die.

There will be magick, and a possibility to talk politics with a person with a very high IQ, which I am so very thirsty for. I am so sick of the lazy fucking uninformed plebs that just buy into msm and all the emotional false crap they sell. Hug the terrorists. Open the borders. Let your parents die poor while they live like kings, welcome to the swedish welfarestate where the working citizens get to keep 30% of their pay and live in shambles while the people who blow us up gets everything and more.

Fuck this world.

Shadilay brothers and sisters.

Degenerate fucks:

170420-Candyshock, Drilling

Yep, the drilling continued today. I woke up after four hours of sleep by a drill drilling into my skullbone (well technically my wall, but you get the picture). I got really REALLY fucking pissed off, so I went and called the landlord. He would “look into it and come back to me”. Well he didn’t come back to me, but shortly after the drilling stopped, so, I guess small favours. Of course I couldn’t go back to sleep, my sleep was disrupted. So now, middle of the night at work, getting fucking tired.

Thanks world. I hate people.

My workcrush was here this evening though and he was gorgeous and funny as always, and that was nice. We smoked twice and he left me in a good mood.

Continuing to walk every hour, 500 steps. Also planning ahead a bit. Looking forward to the weekend with love, wine and mysticism. And no drilling. Or well, the good kind of drilling hopefully. Mwahaa.

There’s tonnes of candy at work again, and I forgot my lunch. How not very good for me. Trying to keep it reasonable though, at least it’s not my fave stuff lol.

Shadilay.

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170419 – Cake for dinner

Soooo, today actually some creativity happened. Accompanied by a lovely podcast about the secret of Light, courtesy Michael Tsarion, I created covers for all my notebooks. Well, I have one to go to make. I look forward to it cause it was fun. Your basic collage, images of mystical sites, angels, magick, kabbalah, starsigns, etc. It turned out beautifully, and I am very happy and proud. ๐Ÿ˜›

I also played some WoW. ย And had some honey-time. And took a bath. Feeling pretty good and harmonious. No drilling and seven hours of sleep probably helped.

Goal is to keep above 6k steps a day this week. I have done it, over that, but there has ALWAYS been one day where I have dropped below. This week that will not happen, which is why I set it low, to 6k, and instead making sure I hit that EVERY day. Next week 7k, the week after that 8k etc.

My schedule is pretty good, I am keeping track of what new thing to add every week, making sure I don’t lose anything on the way, if I do, I backtrack a week before I try to move on with the next step etc. It’s really working for me.

Yesterday I walked 250 steps every hour at work, today it will be 500. It’s so easy to do, so there’s no reason not doing it.

Dreamy workguy was here when I came, that made me happy. He always makes me happy. He stimulates my IQ and makes me smile. Perfect guy. Love him. Too much.

It was the last day for bossbabe today. That’s why there is cake. I had a piece for “dinner” (at midnight…)

I forgot the notes I was gonna transcribe again, but I brought the new notebooks. Facepalm. Oh well, I’ll find something else to do. ๐Ÿ™‚

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170418 – Take me to church

Post easter melancholy. I had no real chance to celebrate this year, been having sweetheart and bestie around though so I’ve been ok. Also had an infection in my leg, and of course due to the full moon I got my monthly dose of not being pregnant, all this while easter, a time you’re supposed to rest and feel holy and clean, and while working overtime every fucking day. So no, I haven’t had time or motivation to do much but sulk and feel sorry for myself.

At work now, nightshift this week. Looking for churches I could go to. I want to go. I don’t have to go during mass, with all the people and all, but I like churches. I’ve always liked to go into churches. It’s calm and quiet and beautiful, whether you believe or not, or whatever you believe in. I was thinking of going to the catholic church in town, and also of course the synagogue in our capital. Really curious about that. We have a nice protestant church in the center of town that is really nice to just sit in alone too. I don’t know. Just kind of feel it would be good for me to aquaint myself a bit with the holy buildings. There is a longing somewhere for it, and it occupies my thoughts a lot, even if I am still not, and might never be clear on what exactly I believe.

Every hour at work I stand up and walk around for five minutes. It feels really good. I can’t believe I haven’t done this before. ย Feeling pretty good overall now actually. Nightshift means more time with honey, more time with magick, more time learning spiritual things. I’ll reclaim my home again after the depressing months and everything bad, and get ready for spring. Although it snowed as late as yesterday. I long for home. I want to be there now. I have a lot to do.

I wonder if the drilling will continue this week. It doesn’t help me sleep.

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170413 – Day 103 – Easter Thursday

So, today we all dress up as witches in Sweden and ride on our brooms to Blรฅkulla. Old tradition. We dress our kids up as witches too and they go from house to house and ask for candy. Yep ๐Ÿ˜€
Don’t believe me?ย https://sv.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sk%C3%A4rtorsdagen (run it through a translator) ๐Ÿ˜›

I won’t do either this easter. I’m already a witch, and I am pretty busy being sad that it was the last day my most epically awesome boss worked. Four months of Good Boss is what I have experienced in my life, and I doubt there will be any more.

Working late, then going home to my sweetie.

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170412 – Day 102 – Daily Kabbalah

Got the last book of this month today, Daily Kabbalah arrived, and it is beautiful. Spent the day at work calculating the rest of the orders basic gematria, getting basic astro charts for the both of us and calculating tarot birth cards. This day too has flown by. ๐Ÿ™‚

Next week I will start with my evening ritual aswell. I have been waiting to implement the morning thing fully and getting that into full swing before I started the next step, but now after easter it is time. Also walking more, currently the goal is just to beat the previous days steps, even if it’s just with a meter or two lol, next week I will set more tangiable goals. Right now experimenting with getting off the bus earlier and walking more due to that etc.

Going to check out this new tarot deck I got, Gateway to the Divine now. When I get home I will share the knowledge with babe and try to finish up the covers on those books. I still feel weirdly energized, it could be the full moon I guess.

I even got us three magnificent titles each. Mwahahaha. Just having fun.

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170411 – Day 101 – ShekErnil

Hey! Started off this day with my Morning Ritual like a good girl. (See that post). I slept pretty poorly, strange dreams etc, but I blame my nicotine patch. Since I’ve tried to brainwash myself with the fact that it’s holy work to take care of my body, I’m starting to not enjoy cigarettes, and feeling weird when I can’t have veggies with my meals. Will have to rethink purchases and buy more veg and fruit to feel better about this. Fucking excellent change though.

Legs are becoming a bit smaller. Again. They had a party the week I was sick and thought they could get into monstrous proportions since I couldn’t walk much on them, but they are behaving better now, which is good.

Been calculating gematria all evening at work, checking out and writing down meanings, and tried to find a spiritual name for sweetie, cause he wanted one. I think I managed. And it’s been fun. ๐Ÿ™‚ Got a book today too, “the secret alchemy of Mary Magdalene”. It looks fucking shady which will be awesome of course. ๐Ÿ˜›

Can’t wait to get home, I have a horrible craving for meatballs. Soon home. There I will finish up the book covers so I can start using the books and write all my notes in there. In the meantime I’m using anything including napkins to get my notes down I’m on a fucking roll. And it’s so much fun. I have missed this so much. I do miss having another party to do this with though, but she is long gone.

I actually tried to look her up on the web, but after hours of searching searchterms, names, adresses, birthdates etc and still not finding her, I give up. She’s gone. She was gone 20 years ago. It’s time to erase her.

So it’s mine now. Which is fun, but oh my god what a lot of work alone. Everything takes twice the time (DUH). Simple calculations, tarot layouts, interpretations, translations, everything. But I just have to bite down and deal with it. Honey helps a bit but he’s not really magickally inclined, he’s more of a lofty spiritual half-religious being, so he mostly finds it interesting and fascinating, but he can’t really contribute much.

However, I am motivated and optimistic. And it kinda feels good. Have fun all, it’s spring. โค

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